Friendship...

For the past few months, I have been reevaluating/redefining/cutting out some relationships in my life that just have not been healthy. I just got tired of people using me or dumping their venom on me or accusing me of being rude and malicious, or of forgetting someone, or making all of people's life decisions, it gets hard and draining. Especially because they do not really care about you or your happiness. You are just their "doormat." All they do is take and take from you until you really have nothing left to give. When some of them call me these days, I don't even pick up anymore because I am done dealing with them. They just don't want you to be happy because they aren't happy themselves. I found this following list to be very insightful because I have experienced most of the signs. It not only goes for friendship, but for family relations as well.

The 9 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship

By: Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, on how to tell when your friendship is unhealthy … and how to disengage

1) Your friend is jealous of you. Jealousy is different than envy and the first can be very toxic for the relationship. Jealousy is: "I want what you have and I want you dead or disappeared." Envy is just: "I want what you have." A jealous friend will want to cut you out of her life because she really wants what you have and can’t stand to be around you anymore. An envious friend will want what you have, but will look to you as her inspiration or role model, and compete with you to get in the lead.

2) Your friend is a "doormat": It’s tiring to always be with someone who is so malleable.

3) Your friend wasn’t there for you. It’s sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person’s support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn’t there for you at all. She doesn’t celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an "inciting incident" to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you’re psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is. I interviewed a woman who wished her friend’s husband ill. It made the married woman realize that her friend’s behavior is nothing like her own.

6) You are using one another: This type of toxic relationship develops among socialites. You want to be friends with your neighbor because your children attend the same private school and you can coordinate a carpool. Will the friendship last? Maybe. Is there really a friendship between the mothers or is it just using? Is it worth turning this friendship into anything more than an agreement?

7) The relationship offers no return on investment: This is similar to a friend who is draining you – but this isn’t just an emotional give and take. If you are the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with her, but she makes no attempt to go out of her way for you, then she’s not meeting you halfway.

8) Your friend is harming someone else or doing something illicit. Do you want to be associated with someone who is morally unjust? That’s a judgment call on your part.

9) Your friend burdens you with a secret: Your friend trusts you by sharing the details of her affair, but keeping the secret has weighed on you emotionally. You might want to keep your distance. If you’re too close to this woman and the secret is really impacting your life for the worse, it’s time to disengage yourself.

How to Disengage: If any of these signs describes one of your friendships, it’s likely to be a toxic relationship that’s burdensome to not just your sanity but hers as well. You could deliberately distance yourself and let the relationship fizzle into oblivion. If you would like to renegotiate the relationship and improve the friendship, have an honest conversation to reveal how you feel. You’ll risk losing this person, but the reward could be improving the quality of the friendship. Honesty is the best policy. Say: "I’m really upset you didn’t do this and this. And I needed you there to do this and this."

So after relating to many of these signs, I realized that I have many people in my life who are not like this and who are great friends. I have been focusing more on them lately and have seen what amazing people they are. They are their for me, which some days is a foreign concept because I am so use to my needs being placed on the back burner. They are amazing and the opposite of these 9 signs. They are caring and meet me halfway. They offer help and are good at balancing the good and take plus they don't burden me with these big crazy secrets or bag on my sister. I love them, especially my best friend, my sister Renee. She is none of the above. She is so sweet and kind and has this big heart. I love her very much and care very much about her happiness. So here are 9 signs of a good friend:

1. They are not jealous of you!
2. They celebrate your highs and are their for you lows, preferably with ice cream
3. They are genuinely happy for you.
4. They do not burden you with huge, crazy secrets that eat away at you.
5. They meet you halfway.
6. They do not drain you emotionally or physically
7. They call to ask you just how your day is going
8. They don't use you
9. They love you for who you are

Plus, their are many other attributes I could name. Friends are great, but it is finding those people who truly want to be their for you and be happy for you and don't try and ruin your happiness. This may only include a small group of people, but it is better to have a few close friends, than a large group who could care less about you. Yeah to great friendship!