Friendship...

For the past few months, I have been reevaluating/redefining/cutting out some relationships in my life that just have not been healthy. I just got tired of people using me or dumping their venom on me or accusing me of being rude and malicious, or of forgetting someone, or making all of people's life decisions, it gets hard and draining. Especially because they do not really care about you or your happiness. You are just their "doormat." All they do is take and take from you until you really have nothing left to give. When some of them call me these days, I don't even pick up anymore because I am done dealing with them. They just don't want you to be happy because they aren't happy themselves. I found this following list to be very insightful because I have experienced most of the signs. It not only goes for friendship, but for family relations as well.

The 9 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship

By: Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, on how to tell when your friendship is unhealthy … and how to disengage

1) Your friend is jealous of you. Jealousy is different than envy and the first can be very toxic for the relationship. Jealousy is: "I want what you have and I want you dead or disappeared." Envy is just: "I want what you have." A jealous friend will want to cut you out of her life because she really wants what you have and can’t stand to be around you anymore. An envious friend will want what you have, but will look to you as her inspiration or role model, and compete with you to get in the lead.

2) Your friend is a "doormat": It’s tiring to always be with someone who is so malleable.

3) Your friend wasn’t there for you. It’s sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person’s support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn’t there for you at all. She doesn’t celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an "inciting incident" to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you’re psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

5) You don’t share the same values or the same world view: It’s a red flag that this isn’t the right friend for you if you don’t respect her for who she is. I interviewed a woman who wished her friend’s husband ill. It made the married woman realize that her friend’s behavior is nothing like her own.

6) You are using one another: This type of toxic relationship develops among socialites. You want to be friends with your neighbor because your children attend the same private school and you can coordinate a carpool. Will the friendship last? Maybe. Is there really a friendship between the mothers or is it just using? Is it worth turning this friendship into anything more than an agreement?

7) The relationship offers no return on investment: This is similar to a friend who is draining you – but this isn’t just an emotional give and take. If you are the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with her, but she makes no attempt to go out of her way for you, then she’s not meeting you halfway.

8) Your friend is harming someone else or doing something illicit. Do you want to be associated with someone who is morally unjust? That’s a judgment call on your part.

9) Your friend burdens you with a secret: Your friend trusts you by sharing the details of her affair, but keeping the secret has weighed on you emotionally. You might want to keep your distance. If you’re too close to this woman and the secret is really impacting your life for the worse, it’s time to disengage yourself.

How to Disengage: If any of these signs describes one of your friendships, it’s likely to be a toxic relationship that’s burdensome to not just your sanity but hers as well. You could deliberately distance yourself and let the relationship fizzle into oblivion. If you would like to renegotiate the relationship and improve the friendship, have an honest conversation to reveal how you feel. You’ll risk losing this person, but the reward could be improving the quality of the friendship. Honesty is the best policy. Say: "I’m really upset you didn’t do this and this. And I needed you there to do this and this."

So after relating to many of these signs, I realized that I have many people in my life who are not like this and who are great friends. I have been focusing more on them lately and have seen what amazing people they are. They are their for me, which some days is a foreign concept because I am so use to my needs being placed on the back burner. They are amazing and the opposite of these 9 signs. They are caring and meet me halfway. They offer help and are good at balancing the good and take plus they don't burden me with these big crazy secrets or bag on my sister. I love them, especially my best friend, my sister Renee. She is none of the above. She is so sweet and kind and has this big heart. I love her very much and care very much about her happiness. So here are 9 signs of a good friend:

1. They are not jealous of you!
2. They celebrate your highs and are their for you lows, preferably with ice cream
3. They are genuinely happy for you.
4. They do not burden you with huge, crazy secrets that eat away at you.
5. They meet you halfway.
6. They do not drain you emotionally or physically
7. They call to ask you just how your day is going
8. They don't use you
9. They love you for who you are

Plus, their are many other attributes I could name. Friends are great, but it is finding those people who truly want to be their for you and be happy for you and don't try and ruin your happiness. This may only include a small group of people, but it is better to have a few close friends, than a large group who could care less about you. Yeah to great friendship!

School!

So this past week, school began. I am officially in the last year of my program and graduated in May, yes this coming May. It is funny that the end is so close when I just started last year. Also, starting this year, I wasn't as nervous as I was last year. This is because I knew what to expect and because I am driven by the desire to graduate. My program is great, but keeps me busy. Graduate school is not meant to be easy. If I am not reading articles, I am writing papers, doing research, or this semester, learning how to build databases. Also, between working and going to school this semester, I also have to complete an internship, but it is worth it. Very worth it and my mom threatened to come out here and go to school with me everyday until I graduated. Just kidding!!!

The most pressing question I have been getting is where I am going after I graduate. I have contemplated this very much and have come to the conclusion that if there are no job opportunities or other things (i.e. boys) keeping me here that I will leave Boston. There are jobs all over, but realizing this, was such a relief. But as of now, I am focused on school. Come this May, I will be a Master. Who would have thought? Well, my parents did. They never give up on me and encouraged me to always follow my dreams. Thank you for teaching me all you could and for letting me stand on my own two feet and learn from my mistakes. This is why I can live in Boston and be okay, well most of the time, I can be okay. They carry me at times when I think I can't go on and Renee too. She is my best friend and my sounding board. Nathan and Laurel are also very supportive. I can't say enough about those two and their two cute little boys. They are so adorable and I miss them everyday. Thanks guys! I love you!

Also, living out here has allowed me to gain new perspectives on relationships I have with people. It is funny that in moving 3,000 miles I have redefined relationships and redrawn boundaries. I have truly seen who some people are and found who I really want to have in my life. It is funny how it took distance to come to these conclusions, but hey, it did. On another note, it took these 3,000 miles for me to find myself, who I really am. I fell hard at one part, but it is this fall that I believe truly saved me. It did. I had to find my bottom to make it to the top again. It is never the easiest journey, but I am doing it one step at a time. Some people may not like the changes, but I finally feel like I am being true to myself and it is freeing.

Also, I have gotten alot of love, support, and perspective from my cousin Jessica. I kind of followed her path as she left home (in Utah) and completed her master's (in Syracuse) and Ph.D. (in Ohio). She lived far from her family, but she accomplished what she set out to do. She has given me a lot of great advice and relates to where I am at because she has been here. Her words and love just have made all the difference lately. Today, she is happily married with two kids. I hope to emulate her in so many ways. I am so thankful she is part of my life. I love her so much. So here is my shout out to her. Thanks for everything Jessica. It has made an incredible difference in my life, it really has. You are awesome. I love you so much!!!

So my blog updates may become fewer as my life gets busy. I am currently balancing working 24 hours on top of taking three classes and in a few weeks I have to fit in an internship. I think my few hours will be spent in homework and sleeping. Oh glorious sleep. But the hard work is worth the best reward. I love learning though writing papers is never fun, but studying to be an archivist is really interesting, especially this year. I love describing to people now that I am a keeper of the past. So, I won't bore you anymore with archive talk, but will say good night. It is almost 10 and I like my sleep!

Happy Birthday Dad!

So looking through my pictures, I realized I don't have that many of my dad (he doesn't like his picture being taken, that's way), so I chose this one just because of the face Eli is making. But I want to wish my dad a happy birthday. Today, he is 55 years old.

I love my dad very much. He is the best father. He loves all of his children and supports all of our dreams and ambitions. He just truly wants us to be happy at day's end. It is thanks to him that I am able to pursue my education and I am very thankful for that. Very thankful. I have had so many wonderful oppurtunities because of him, which include seeing the world and getting a great education. He is always willing to listen to me. He told me once that his shoulders were wide enough to carry any burden that I might have. His patience is amazing and I am thankful for that.

He is a great husband. My mom is one lucky woman. He loves her more than anything and wants her to be happy. He is the husband who every Christmas looks for the perfect gift and this process usually includes going to like five jewelry stores, but hey, he wants to get her what she loves. He is strong in the priesthood and in the church. That is reflected in our home to this day.

He is a hard worker. He loves his job as an accountant even through his busy times. However, he looks at his job as a way to support his family. That is why he works, but also becausee loves numbers, which missed me entirely. But that does not matter to him.

The role he cherishes most these days is that of PawPaw. He loves being a grandpa. Eli and West are just the light of his lives. I love seeing him with them. He is so patient. One of his favorite things to do is to rock them to sleep in this rocking chair we have downstairs. He began the tradition with Eli and continues it with West today. They just bring this little smile to his face and they love him so much. He loves swimming with them and throwing rocks at the wall with Eli at the top of his yard. Heck, Eli got my parents into watching the show Phinneas and Ferb. Light of his lives, what can I say? Some days, if he knows they will be at our house, he will find excuses to leave early though he won't admit it is because he is excited to go home and spend time with them. Secretly, I think he is counting down the day when he can educate on why they need to love the Lakers and Dodgers and why he should like UCLA sports over USC. He is the best, but he loves his family fiercely. He truly does.

So, happy Dad! I love you and hope you have a wonderful day. Don't spend it all at work! Go enjoy some cake and your grandsons!.

Love
Janae

Road trip, New England style...

Sorry, about my earlier post, I was kind of frustrated, but here is something a little bit more light hearted. As I mentioned, my mom and I took a quick trip up the coast. We first stopped in Rockport, Massachusetts where we shopped, ate fudge and strudel. Their harbor is beautiful and we picked out our beach houses. Here are some highlights:

Rockport's harbor. To the right we various beach houses. My mom and I decided that her and my dad needed to invest in one. For some reason, I did not take any pics of them.

Downtown Rockport. It was filled with cute, little shops and did we shop.

Just another view of the Rockport harbor and the Atlantic ocean, which is very blue. I still prefer the Pacific.

After Rockport, we drove up to Maine, where we stayed in Freeport, Maine, which is above Portland, Maine and the main headquarters of L.L. Bean. The L.L. Bean is huge and open 24 hours. Cabella's, eat your heart out, but again, I just did not take a picture. Instead, I fell in love with Maine's beaches and lighthouses. Laurel, add this to your list of places to visit to photograph.

This beach is located in South Portland, Maine. We visited the Two Light lighthouse. This lighthouse had two lights. As you can see, Maine's coast is beautiful and most of their beaches are rocky. That is rock and not pertified wood you are looking at. It is a combination of sandstone and shale.

A tide pool amidst the rocks.

Just beautiful!

Mom, hamming it up in front of the lighthouse.

Being serious and beautiful!

Me!

I thought I would end with my mom prior to consuming her lobster. It was good. If you are ever in Maine get lobster. You will not regret it. It is so delicious!

One year ago!

One year ago, I packed up and moved to Boston to attend graduate school. I still cannot believe I drove across the country. I will admit that moving to Boston scared me though I know I am suppose to be here. Change is never easy for me and it didn't help that my parents didn't stay that long to really help me settle in Boston because my dad had to get back to teach seminary. I was mad at him about this because sometimes it feels like he loves the youth more than his own family. We fought about it, but I wanted them to stay longer. But they believed I would be okay, but it did not help this big change.

I always focused on how it felt for me to see my parents leave. This past week, my mom and I talked about this whole arrival and them leaving. She admitted to me that it was incredibly difficult for her to leave me here. She wanted to stay and make sure that I was okay. I never considered how hard this separation was for her. She has my dad, Nathan, Laurel and her grand kids in California and Renee and Lewis in Utah. I did not know she had felt that way. How hard this is for her to have me so far away. During these past few months I have struggled with the fact that I might be forgotten. That I don't matter much. That I am disposable. That I am just their to meet their needs. This happens when I start to feel lonely. You see, I love living in Boston, I do, but some days the distance gets to me. This deep seeded feeling that comes up every once and awhile, when the homesickness creeps back up. Those are the hard days, the days I just want to abandon everything here.

I think this happens because I get overwhelmed. Because I feel like no one understands when they do. The days I cry tears and long for home. I am saved by my friends out here, but it is still hard. On these days, I just try to lose myself in work and in school and it helps. I just try to keep busy. I have done well out here. I graduate in a year and I like my job. My ward is fun though me and a few others just got moved into a new ward.

I have found this particulare challenge has made me stronger. I found this strenght in myself I didn't know existed. I get it from my mom. My wonderful mom. She is this strong woman and her love and strength gets me through some of the hardest moments along with my sister, Renee. Without Renee, I would be so lost. She is not only my sister, but my best friend. I tell her everything and I mean everything. She may not always undertand what I am trying to say, but she tries and is always willing to listen. I could not ask for a better sister. I would do anything for her. My dad is their too in the ways he can be. He is my sounding board and just listens as I need to let off steam over anything and everything. I have learned that it is okay to ask for help and that I do not have to do everything myself. I am far from perfect.

Sneak Peek...

Last week, my mom came to town and we went on a little trip up the New England coast. We spent one night in Rockport, Massachusetts, which is beautiful. It is on the tip of Cape Ann and right next to Gloucester, Massachusetts. After visiting Rockport, we ventured up to Freeport, Maine. Maine is beautiful and we tried lobster for the first time. Here are a few pics from our trip. I will post more this weekend.

Me with my lobster. It was good. You just dive right in and go for it. We are at the Jameson Tavern in Freeport, which is where the papers where signed that separated Maine from Massachusetts.

Maine is known for their lighthouses. This particular lighthouse is called the Two Lights because their are two lights.